New Starcraft Parody
by Monty Crabapple
Summary: Fallow along through the world of Starcraft. See it through our eyes, yea, we were on crack when we wrote this.


Starcraft Parody by Alex  
  
Alex: Welcome back, to yet another installment of the Starcraft parody by myself and my lowly slave Monty. I am going to sell him to a glue factory. Mainly because he's as smart as the thing in my gym socks.  
  
Monty: Hey, I... *sniffs armpit*. Ooh... Monty can't breathe... Oh No!  
  
Alex: Whatever slave.  
  
Monty: *faints*  
  
(Three ships floating in space looking for something for no particular reason)  
  
Guy in ship 1: Woo! We're gonna take dem richies!!! Yee hee, hee, hee, hee (Starts dancing around)  
  
Guy in ship 2: What?! You said we came for McDonalds!  
  
Guy in ship 3: I have to pee pee!!!  
  
Guy 1: umm... I never said that  
  
Guy 2: And we were supposed to go to the ballet.  
  
Guy 3: I told you. "Hop on Pop: the Musical" is retarded.  
  
Guy 1: Shaddap... here comes the planet now  
  
Guy 2: Help, my fingers stuck up my ass!  
  
Guy 1: ...  
  
Guy 3: ooh lookey! We can fly in space!  
  
Guy 2: we've been doing that for 5 goddamn years!!!  
  
(Ship looks over horizon)  
  
Ship pilot: Ha Ha! Look at the bumper sticker! Ha ha ha ha! I mean, uh DEATH!!!  
  
Guy 1: *high* *ship begins to shake* hey those guy's are doing killing us for some reason*explodes*  
  
Guy 2: That makes no sense. They don't even do anything later. *Explodes*  
  
Guy 3: I'm out of pants...*explodes*  
  
(End of Introduction)  
  
Magistrate: *Listening to MP3* Oh Danny Boy!!! Something, something, something!  
  
Duke: ... *holding bottle* so then I say's to him "Hey! You like porta- potty?" Get it? Ha ha ha ha. *Laughs, coughs, chokes, barfs, coma, wakes up* whoa I had too much vodka...  
  
Random Technology Guy: Sir that was laundry detergent.  
  
Duke: Alls I knows is that it was the greatest moment of my... *falls asleep*  
  
Magistrate: General! You called sir?  
  
Duke: Yes I did ya stupid bellboy! Where's my luggage? *Falls over sobbing* it's not coming is it? *Sobs some more*  
  
Magistrate: Um... sure. Anyway, I came because you demanded you see me sir!!!  
  
Duke: Yes, I did! Please ya gotta help me!!! I can't stop it!!!  
  
Magistrate: What's that sir?  
  
Duke: SNIFFING CATS!!! *Pulls out Siamese* *inhales deeply*  
  
Magistrate: Right...  
  
Duke: Go to the planet and meet up with Jim whats-his-na... *barfs* Ooh! *Shoves in pants* this is going straight to the shrine!  
  
Magistrate: *runs away*  
  
(On the planet, Magistrate meets up with some marines)  
  
Magistrate: Yo Yo whassup dogs?  
  
Marines: *stare blankly*  
  
Marine 1: *turns to group* Guys, we aren't high enough. *Sniffs glowstick*  
  
Marine 2: Hey, isn't that a... ooh! Gameboy! *Starts playing*  
  
Marine 3: Dude, weak... My buns are cold. Now I'll never get to win the big wienie award  
  
SCV 1: WTF?  
  
Magistrate: Um... On to the Command Center!  
  
Marine 1: Do it yourself biatch!  
  
Magistrate: They have pie!  
  
Troops: Yay!  
  
(After the troops ran into some trees, they got going)  
  
Marine 3: So, how'd you get such a crappy job?  
  
SCV 1: Because I'm f***ing BLACK!!!  
  
Marine 3: ...  
  
Magistrate: Right over the next hill men!  
  
SCV 2: You say that so much it loses its meaning  
  
(Out of nowhere Zerglings pop up)  
  
Zergling: RAHH!!!  
  
Marine 1: *Still high* Hey, look at duh cute wittle doggy. *Gets balls chopped off* Owee!  
  
Marine 2: NOOO!!! *Shoots Zergling! * I loved him... *starts crying* Now we can't have kids...  
  
Magistrate:...?  
  
SCV: Ooooooookay.  
  
(Everyone resumes fighting)  
  
Magistrate: Ha ha ha!!! Eat lead ya dirty bitch!  
  
Zergling: *Pulls out teacup and talks in English accent* Aye, good chap, I believe that foul language is indubitably unnecessary so if you could halt yourself before saying such things again, we would deeply appreciate it. Cheerio! *Walks away*  
  
Marine: Brits.  
  
(Soon the troops arrive at the Center)  
  
Magistrate: I told ya we would get here.  
  
Marine 3: But you said we wouldn't get hurt as long as we filled our guns with butter.  
  
Magistrate: I never said that.  
  
SCV 2: Sure you did. It was when *anvil falls on head* oof!  
  
Magistrate: That shut him up. Hey, where's Jim Raynor?  
  
Marine dressed in Santa Claus outfit: Ho, ho, ho, there's weed for everyone!!!  
  
Magistrate: No, not yet we... *gets tackled by troops*.  
  
Marines: Yay!!!  
  
Magistrate: *Brushes squirrels off his shirt* what was that for?  
  
Marine in Santa suit: ha, ha! *Rips off suit* I'm really your father!!!  
  
Magistrate: No your not.  
  
Marine formally in Santa suit: Oh. HOW ABOUT THIS?! *Rips off suit again*  
  
Magistrate: No, your just Jim Raynor a... Hey, you're the guy I was looking for.  
  
Jim: *Shifts eyes* Right, what you said. *Kicks over dumpster*.  
  
Marine 2: So... Why are we here? Aahh!!! *Starts sniping badgers*  
  
Magistrate: Where are your badgers?  
  
(A tall thing walks closer to the humans)  
  
Big Bird: *high* Badgers? We ain't got no badgers, we aint need no badgers... I AINT GOT TO SHOW YOU NO STINKIN BADGERS! *Burps* *passes out*  
  
Marines: *crying & pull out handkerchiefs* that was beautiful!  
  
Magistrate: *looking at watch* Yeah, whatever... LET'S EAT HIM!!!  
  
(And so the Marines had a peaceful dinner while shoving a fork in Big Bird's ass).  
  
Big Bird: Beats that F***ing PBS... *dies*  
  
Jim: Want some dessert?  
  
Magistrate: Jim, all you have is a piece of moldy bread with dog crap on it.  
  
Jim: But it's a fresh piece of moldy bread with dog crap on it!!!  
  
Magistrate: True. *Starts eating*  
  
Marine 1: Hey look! There beith a command center. *Gets slapped by a penguin*  
  
(after a while the Marines got to the command center. Along with the Medic's shower)  
  
Marine 3: Whoa... That's cool.  
  
Marine 1: Ya know, if my balls weren't chopped off I'd...  
  
Jim: Don't continue that sentence please. I'm tired of hearing your ballessness. Just because mine are so big and full of... *Ghost of big bird craps on his head*. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Big Bird: That's what you get for not voting for Nader!!! Hi Ho Mr. Rodgers. AWAY!!!  
  
Mr. Rodgers: MOOOOOOO!!! Bitch.  
  
(So as Big Bird rode Mr. Rodgers into the night the Marines realized they were constipated.)  
  
Marines: Ah!!! It burns! It burns!  
  
Magistrate: Then don't try to torch the crap off your ass!  
  
Marine: Aw, but we wanna...  
  
Jim: Okay, so what do ya want me to do?  
  
Magistrate: Um... Yo Mama!  
  
Jim: Oh you little... *starts slapping Magistrate like a little girl*  
  
Magistrate: *takes out a machete and lops off his own nose* There! Now there ain't not nothin' nobody can do. *Gets shot by Pikachu*  
  
Jim: Hey there you went! *Chases Pikachu with a plastic chainsaw* get back here you stupid communist!  
  
Pikachu *gives him the finger* Pika pika biznatch!  
  
Magistrate: I'm going to whoop your...  
  
Colonel Sanders: Now stop this stuff or I'm going to feed you to my evil chickens of doom!  
  
Marine 3: That's Play-Doh!!!  
  
Colonel Sanders: Says you! *Runs off sobbing*  
  
Magistrate: Screw you guys, I'm going home! *Falls in pit of Play-Doh chickens*  
  
Marine 1: Maybe we oughta just finish this some other time...  
  
Magistrate: *Holding gunshot wound* God, where'd that that little crap-hole run off to?  
  
(2 miles away in a strip bar)  
  
Jim: Woo! This is great!  
  
Pikachu: *drunk* eaeha t aehot dbe to ebeb!!!  
  
Magistrate: There you are! Why the hell aren't you at the base? You'd better... *looks at stripper* ooh!  
  
(After many, many long hours, they finally left the bar due to angry pelicans)  
  
Jim: Friggin' pelicans and their damn pelicanness.  
  
Magistrate: Ah! There's another pack of zerglings!!!  
  
Zergling?: *roaring noise*  
  
Marine 2: Yah!!! *Runs at him with a machete*  
  
Jim: Eat a grenade you stupid... *realizes the Zergling was really a car*  
  
SCV 3: How the f*** did you think that was a Zergling?! *Hurls tomatoes at Magistrate*  
  
Magistrate: Hey, *splat* what the *splat* where are *splat* WHY ARE BIRDS CRAPPING ON MY HEAD?!  
  
Duke (from the radio): *Farts* Heh, look at what I can do daddy, *farts a few more times* I'm making noises out of me ass!!!  
  
Random Technology Guy: Duke, take a godamn nap! Jim, we got some problem at Backwater Station, you'd better... Duke, get out of there!  
  
Duke: Man, yellow water tastes like my mom. *drinks more*  
  
Random Technology Guy: Oh my f***ing...  
  
(Well, the Magistrate and Jim knew that they had to somehow go up to the ship, so when they got up there somehow, something blah, blah, blah, screw you, I'm going to Jiggles)  
  
End of Chapter 1 mofo 


End file.
